To sleep with someone before you are offically in a relationship -- His & Her Point of View

 

Lane:

I was never a supporter of the "don't sleep with anyone until after the 3rd date" rule. In my head... If you're going to do it eventually... what is the point of waiting!!! If one thinks that a man will loose interest after conquering his conquest of sleeping with a girl... What difference would it make if he got it on the 1st date versus the 15th date!  

Well... My story might be changing after my experience with Chuck.  

After a couple years of my mindset I mentioned above... I was so tired of the guys that I had been seeing. None of them wanted to be in an "official" relationship, but they wanted to hang out for months without the responsibility and work of a relationship! So right before I started dating Chuck (for the second time ;) ), I had promised myself I wouldn't sleep with any other guy until it became official! Well.... 

There was something about Chuck that made me feel like he was the one... 

Plus I was SO attracted to Chuck while we were just dating!  I was close to saying... Lets break my promise, but he was very insistent that we wait!  He never said the words out loud... but I got the point LOUD and clear! One night, after our 5th date, he dropped me off at my house and I INVITED him in!! I said, why don't we go in and I'll show you my place! He responded with "Why don't we just stay in the car and chat for a bit.. I'm cozy and like being this close to you"............. We sat in the car for almost three hours talking! In my head, I was going nuts. 

I was wondering if this guy does not find me attractive??  Or is he being lazy!! Or is there something wrong with his "tools" down there!! It was crazy. Later, I find out that he knew things would go down if he came in, and he really didn't want that to happen. He said with our relationship, he knew he wanted more... and didn't want things to get physical, because he was TIRED of relationships that were purely based on being physical.  In the end, I fulfilled my promise to myself and am so happy about it :).

My point being -- I think it depends on what type of relationship you would like to have in the future as to whether you sleep with him or not before you're in a committed relationship..... Once the "getting to know each other" turns into a lust/physical sense, the actual possibility of a true soul mate relationship might get left behind. Am I saying that couples that sleep together on the first date and bound not to be soul mates?  Absolutely not!  Each couple is different and each circumstance is different. 

Chuck:

Well as a guy I am sure all know where I stand in wanting the physical stuff from a woman, no need to really go into detail about it.

As for things with Lane..... Since having my heart broken a couple years ago, Lane was the first one to make that lonely missing pain go away.  As I mentioned in our intro, I wasn't that great of a person before and had my way with women.  I wanted it to be different with Lane.

I mean I went from "crashed and burned" our first date to then waiting until the 5th date to even kiss Lane.  I enjoyed just being around her and talking to her so much that it didn't cross my mind.  Well, it did cross my mind when I wasn't with her with all my wishful and wondering thoughts.  When I was with her I was so content with just looking at her and talking to her. 

Yes I knew on that 5th date, if I would have went in with Lane when she invited me, I would have naturally put on the moves -- again I am a guy and it is just a natural instinct for us at times.  Now, do I think people should wait or dive right into the sheets?.... It depends on the people.  For some, yes, I think they should wait.  We all have friends that rush things and say the, "OMG he/she is perfect I have never met anyone like them before, they could be the one...." Or it could be the total opposite that a one night stand prospect turns into the man/woman of your dreams. 

For those that are religious, I understand and respect your beliefs to save yourself for marriage.  For everyone else it is just a part of life's experience we go through.  It isn't like how it was centuries ago when people got married right at puberty with a life expectancy that was lower then it is today.  Not that I encourage people to be throwing it out there to everyone and anyone either.  But imagine if the person you were head over heels in love with that you didn't connect in the bedroom?  Maybe that has something to do with the divorce rate being so high in America... Or what if that random person you hooked up with ended up with an amazing connection and sparked interest to discover them more?.....

The infamous 5 Love Languages - His & Her points of view

 

Lane: I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!  So, I wanted to touch on this book because it means so much to me.  It's the whole basis of our "team" aspect to relationships.... Or another good one I've recently heard is a "2 person gang that noone else is allowed to join."    In the beginning when Chuck and I were just getting to know each other through emailing... I had mentioned how much I appreciated the things I had learned from "The Five Love Languages" written by Gary Chapman.  A couple emails later, Chuck mentioned that he went and researched the book and found the Men's addition!!  This is one of the first moments of our relationship that I remembered feeling so loved.  I don't know why the gesture of sharing this book with me was so comforting but it was.  He mentioned that he had marked certain pages and information that meant a lot to him.  He said in an email:

"...you have to want to share feelings with someone you care about so they know you care which helps build a healthy relationship"

MY man said this!!  How lucky am I.   To have found someone handsome, kind, and who isn't SCARED to talk about feeling...unbelievable.

Anyways.

So as I was doing some research and pulling up some emails to help me write this post... I came across two different times that I had taken the 5 love languages quiz!  In 2011 when I was single, my numbers went like: 10 Words of Affirmation, 10 Physical Touch, 4 Quality time, 3 Receiving Gifts, 3 Acts of service.

Now that I've been in a relationship I re-took my quiz and see my results:

Interesting how things change right??  I was talking to Chuck about it last night, and he mentioned remembering something in the book saying that the ranking of languages might change throughout life depending on what stage you are in.  I think I am now in a comfortable, fully fulfilling relationship, therefore my languages changed a little bit.  I want to make sure that my man's love bucket is full at all times.  I may struggle sometimes, because my languages are not exactly the same as Chuck's.  I also am very careful at hitting all the languages... because I honestly believe all five need to be fulfilled!  One might have more affect then the other, but you can't feel fully loved without all five.

Chuck:  Before Lane and I met I battled many issues with myself in relationships.  I would be what you would call a womanizer.  I didn't know how to let people in or how to care for someone else.  It took almost 30yrs to finally have my heart broken and see it within myself my flaws.  I did a lot of self soul searching and changed myself.  I have always been an open minded person so when Lane mentioned the book it sparked interest to me in many reasons.

I wanted that "love" feeling again, not to just receive it but to give it to someone else.  I took it as a sign when Lane mentioned the book to me.  I was on another mission to Afghanistan when I picked it up.  I was surprised on how easy of a read it was.  I did pick up the guys version so maybe that has something to do with it.  Within 3 days of getting it I had already read the whole book and was telling all my teammates about it.  At that time Lane and I were not officially a couple and I got many comments about how I was already crazy about her, which I was.  But all jokes aside I got some kudos from people who have been married awhile and said that they had went through counseling that if they had read that book would have helped out a lot.  So I figured I was above the power curve.

There are so many quotes I can take from the book to post on here, but I can't decide on which one is the best without giving the book away.  It is must read for everyone whether if you are single, dating, or married.  It isn't designed to help relationships already in trouble, which it could do.  It focuses on how two people can understand each other to come together as one.

Lane and I go on about Team Halfie not just because we are both half Korean, but because we both bring something to the relationship and make each other better.  This book helped me understand that.  I have so many pages and phrases highlighted and book marked it is crazy.

A relationship is not suppose to be easy and I enjoy working through it all with Lane.  I am glad that after almost 6 months we still need to find the time to check in with each other to make sure our love buckets are full.

I will close with this, sometimes I wish I would have read this book after we fell in love so it would have been a bigger shock to me that we do things, like read this book, not just because we want to.  We do it because we love that person enough to go through and do whatever it takes to love them better and to be loved better.