Lane: My mid-year new years resolution goal -- NO MORE ASSUMING! I have been battling some character traits that I didn't really notice until recently. My assumptions turn into expectations, and I now know that
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen!
I've been battling with labeling my high assumptions with being too "self-centered". But I struggle with that because I don't consider myself a self-centered person. By definition, a self centered person is:
- Talks about themselves constantly.
- Does not listen to others well nor cares to listen to what others have to say and makes no bones about it.
- Self centered people can cut off a conversation they are having with another person and start talking about themselves.
- They can be vain about their looks and are constantly looking
at themselves in any reflection they can manage to get too, or,
constantly preening themselves while the world flies by.
- They take, but don't give back.
- They may flirt even if they have a boyfriend or are married.
- They constantly need reassurance about their looks.
- If they don't get enough attention they will sulk.
- Basically everything in society is about 'them.'
And I don't find that I fit into many of those categories. I'm wondering if I should label my assumptions on taking things too personally. If someone does something, it is to get a reaction out of me. For example, when Chuck posts an inappropriate picture (see the blog "Our First Fight" for more details), I assume that he is testing his limits in our relationship! I can't help but consider this as self-centered -- "he did something to get a reaction" out of me.
So my new goal for myself is to take things less personal. Here are a couple steps I found on WikiHow:
- Give the benefit of doubt: If you have a habit of taking things personally, it means that you're apt to assume someone is directing some form of aggression towards you when they could be just joking around or having a bad day.
It might be your instinct to react emotionally, but pause for a second.
Maybe it's not about you. Don't jump to conclusions
- Refocus your attention: When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what someone said or did to how you feel.
Unless you move on from that point, it's likely that you'll ruminate on
the negative feeling and amplify it. Instead, focus on the other
person.
- Remind yourself that you don't need anyone's approval.
If you're especially sensitive to how people treat you and you often
overreact, you might have a strong radar for rejection. You worry that
you're doing something wrong if you pick up on any kind of displeasure,
and you want to fix it. But just because someone isn't happy with you
doesn't mean you've done something wrong. In many cases, it means that
person isn't happy with themselves and expects you to fill in the blanks
(which is impossible).
- Speak up. Let the person know how you are feeling.
They might not realize how hurtful or aggressive they seem and how it is
affecting you. Use "I" statements.
- Stop taking compliments personally, too.
If you base your self-worth on how often people compliment and validate
you, then you're allowing others to decide how you feel about yourself.
If someone compliments you, it's no more personal than a direct insult. They're simply calling it how they see it, and that may or may not be
accurate--only you can be the judge of that. If someone compliments you,
that doesn’t make you a better person, it makes them a better
person because they're taking the time to be supportive and encouraging.
Your value remains unchanged, because it's something that comes from
within.
It has been a very eye opening experience for me. It's a character trait that I never even CONSIDERED I had! I simply characterized it as an "Over-Thinker." I am so thankful for Chuck because he has been SO supportive! I actually sent him a HUGE, long, painfully emotional email about how I was feeling and how I needed to stop assuming things and managing my expectations better. Poor thing. Hahaha It doesn't help that I am only on month 2 of Birth Control..... Talk about emotions!
ANYWAYS! As for an update on Chuck and I's life, he has been out of town for a couple weeks, but just got back last night with gifts!!!
Fresh Pineapples from Hawaii!!!!!
Talk about DELISH!! I also felt too guilty to juice them!! I didn't want to waste ANY of it.
But we decided to just juice one of the two.
We added some red cabbage (making a beautiful purple color), sweet potato, apples, and kale.
Chuck actually brought back a necklace from Hawaii, and a "Jeep Car" from the Philippines.
There should be another post soon from Chuck and pictures from his travels! We hope everyone has an amazing weekend -- TGIF! Cheers!
Chuck: While I was away on mission I did receive an email from Lane that covered this topic. In my eyes I don't feel as though her expectations are high or assuming things. It has been a rough few months for me that Lane has been there for me in so many ways that I have had a hard time fulfilling my ways of showing her that I love her and doing things I normally do. I had a major surgery on my chest that scared me and hurt my pride. It mostly due to the vanity of being deformed in my chest and having scars. On top of that I am an only child and growing up in a somewhat Army life I always searched for a connection with my father. My father has been battling cancer for awhile now and it won. I tried the mancho saying of it is a part of life, but after this last month having my mother call me in tears because of how it is withering him away and he has been taken off the transplant list with only a short time left it hit me hard. I am not ready to lose my father, even though we didn't have much of a connection he is still my dad. Lane was there for me and held me as I hated everything and full of anger and confusion. This is a new battle for me because I am use to just shutting down and people out. After the storm has calmed I pick up and move along to someplace new to start over. I let her know this and that I don't want it to happen with her.
We have a huge life changing event coming soon and I don't think it is fair to Lane to feel as though she is thinking that me not being able to meet her expectations is all her over thinking things. For those of you that have lost a loved one you will understand that it rips your mind and heart apart which effects everything and everyone around you. I know Lane will be there for me, and with her there by my side I will get through this tough time and back to doing all those little things I used to do for her. I know that sounds like an excuse and I do try to keep up with them because she means the world to me. I know that everything that I have gone through in my life that this is one time I need and want her there to hold me and help me through this.
