If you would have asked me five months ago how close Chuck and I were to getting engaged, I would've responded "REAL close!"
A little background on Chuck and I. We took our time in getting to know each other. Emailed back and forth for almost half a year while our lives settled down. Finally started dating for a couple months, and then became official a little over a year ago.
About three months into the relationship, dropped the L bomb. About five months into the relationship, my lease was up and we considered moving in together - instead, we wanted to do this the right way and wait for the right time versus moving in just because we had to.
Around this time frame, we confessed that we were 100% committed and couldn't imagine our lives without each other. We started talking about an engagement. At this point, my pintrest wedding album was pretty empty. After talks of engagements, I filled that bucket up really quickly with ideas, rings, and dresses.
After about six months, Chuck took me home to meet his family which meant a lot to me.
Around eight months, I took Chuck home to meet my family.
A mixture of sharing so much commitment to each other, and pintrest... I wanted to be engaged badly. I started asking Chuck randomly if we were on the right path. I'd ask him if we were on the same path to getting engaged, and if so, when - Soon? Is he saving for a ring? It is going to be within the next year right? Soon? Soon, right?
If we were in a mall, I would see a jewelry store and give Chuck a little hip bump and point to the jewelry store. Even one time, we were in a jewelry store getting a necklace fixed, and I asked Chuck if he would mind if I tried on some engagement rings!
This entire time, Chuck entertained my desperation to get engaged. He would laugh when I brought it up and look at me adoringly. Almost looking at me like a child who REALLY wants something, but what they want is so silly! He would say things like: "Yes dear, we are on that path, but no need to rush to get there, it'll happen when it is the right time."
My Lessons Learned:
We had a very tragic event happen, and in that wake, Chuck and I fell apart. This created a huge ripple in our relationship, in which we were either going to come back stronger, or it would be the end. I fought until I couldn't fight anymore for us to stay together. Eventually... I had to let go and detach myself, which resulting in me letting go of control. Talk about the scariest thing I've ever done. After a couple weeks of complete misery, I started to realize things.
I was okay even after letting go of my control!
My relationship was okay, even after letting go of control!
Now that I can look back at our experience... Chuck pulled away from me because that is how he wanted to deal with the tragety. My response, was to cling on tighter because I did not want to loose him. After being able to loosen up my grip, it made me realize that I needed to respect Chuck as a human being, which means I.CAN.NOT.CONTROL.HIM. I cannot control him. I cannot control his feelings. I cannot control his level of attachment to me. After I came to these conclusions, I was finally able to give Chuck some space to breath. A couple weeks of breathing time, we came back together and both realized what had happened. Chuck really respected the space I had given him, and I finally respected the space Chuck needed. It brought out relationship to an entire different level of respect - one filled with love.
NOW, let me tie this experience into the title of the post.
Reasons to be DESPERATE for a ring:
1. Family moral issues - religion, being married before having kids.
2. Wanting to obtain some type of control, or to have a symbol to promise you more commitment.
3. Obsessions/dreams of creating a perfect wedding - AKA pintrest ideas.
4. Wanting something to show off to the world that you are successful or at least moving forward in your relationship.
5. To keep up with the engagement boom - Social media and the portrayal of true happiness is a huge factor as well.
6. You're completely unhappy with yourself and life that you believe getting married will fill that void.
Now... I will say that there is a big difference between being desperate for a ring, or just purely excited for the experience. Desperation involves expectations where as being excited for the experience is just like being excited for your birthday party.
I think I fell into a few of those reasons. I was very unhappy with my life, and thought Chuck filled that void, therefore I wanted that security that marriage supposedly brings. I had obsessions of wedding dresses, and wedding rings. I am 25, and ALL of my friends seem to be headed in the direction of getting married... I didn't want to feel left behind - especially when I was so proud at Chuck and I's relationship.
All in all, I wanted to control the relationship, and it's pace, and it's events, and it's results. FINALLY I am able to let go! And I can say that FINALLY I can truly love Chuck to the core. If I was putting all my energy and thoughts that I had about getting engaged, into the relationship itself... it would mean that much more. I cherish the love that Chuck and I hold so much, that I no longer have that desperation to get engaged. Just enjoying the ride we are on.
